30 December 2010

'touch To live' - new poetry

nervous nights before you
will i bring enough to fill you
is your smile
just like the first time

did i blaspheme in my day dream

getting lost used to be easy
accidently reckless
i explored you

iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou

now with map key dream on paper
I can only backstep the trail,
and see you wanting on the sidelines -
blessings aren't enough,
like food or flowers - - -

eyes silent eyes meet
hands learn hands all
over again - no words, just
the everything in your mouth

we glow, baby
we stay bright

if you want it - ask!
if you got it - give!
the word to touch
the touch to live

new song: 'coffin'

Black night is pouring thru
the cracks
crying on the highway
ur poor little soul
throw yourself on the floor
besides me

Fuck progression
good intentions
you didn't pay attention

all make
this is my coffin

your fate is told
your futures golden
newborn baby
in the cauldron
it's a story not told so often
jump the cradle
into the coffin

skim the fat of good intentions
know honesty
ready for blind ascencion

fuck progression
good intentions
you didn't pay attention

all make

this is



23 December 2010

perfection is presence

in a perfect world
i've made everyone happy

but considering time
that's a selfish folly
like making only myself happy

sometimes i worry i can only live the dream
if i segment my smile like a tangerine
pass it around to the whole class
so everyone has enough -

but considering time
sublimation isn't the answer
and it makes me smile to know, still,
in a perfect world
i am with you

and that's enough

14 December 2010

new song:- 'sparrow bruise'

don’t you worry
… don’t you rush
i’m keeping it safe,
it’s right in front of you,
i want to show you

Let me be the sparrow
Let me be in need
Let me see that bruise

replace your inhibition
i got you man
reacquaint with dream of

despite us despite us
i'll hold you in my life cuz
you’re beautiful

Release release
The tightness
It’s real, aren’t I, so what does
It do
i want to be some thing new
for you

softly breathed the sparrow
when you're calling i won't wait
to whisper on your bruise
it’s right in front of you,
i’m keeping it safe,
i long to know the truth
furled inside of you

new fiction:- 'zero hour'

One weekend night at college I was walking back to my dormitory from a friend’s apartment pretty loaded. I was drunk enough that the cold didn’t bother me, and with my music the entire walk through the empty campus seemed eerily lurid. Everything was quiet and empty, and I was walking through a parking lot thinking pause pause this is a lonely moment in time.

I stopped inside an empty courtyard muffled with fresh snow when I saw a small rabbit lounging in the boxed off soil. I had previously noticed rabbits on campus but all my friends insisted that I was wrong, they were squirrels. This was definitely a rabbit. Ears. I sensed a warm tunnel of wind between us.

I’m not a predator I’m friendly I’m a friendly animal

I try to make my eyes say this and approach it slowly, loose eyes soft breath.
Unlike the hunter. I need this soft thing to feel at ease with me
- but I need it to look at me and say brother

Sides of my head are prickling swell in my gut I smile say hi, I know in my heart
we’re safe cause we’re the same
– and I keep staring when it raises its head turns it to look into me.
I sense a rush of garbled connection – like an alien love song – and time recedes. I barely remember the rest. I came back to my room some few hours later, sleep dreamlessly. When I wake up, I have a headache, I can’t reveal some lost statement or judgment and it paralyzes me.

I remember this night sometimes, and when I do, the image comes sharper than any
from my time as a student. And most of the time I can’t describe or remember it at all, can’t say what I think, can’t think with words - but I feel the
– a jump cut ache. it feels like zero hour always.

rap in progress - the beast

they don't know when
        you play pretend
 paper smile full of bile
 cigarette in your hand
  - STAND/
      see the end begin/
            dog eats man/
         kids are canned/
legions mouth is open whirring/
           say your SEX is a SIN/
               say your FLAGS a SHAM
         / youthful idealism's blurring with their master plan
                             they sooth the kids with talk alluring/
                             then they bomb japan/
                            damn, cut your blistered roots off                            leave your parents in the dust
                           escape the uterine tomb
                               of the mother-fucking succubus
                                    don't let them snip your dick/
                                               and betray your trust/
                                      it's time to
                                      quell the suffering
                          THEY DON'T STAND WIT US

08 December 2010

what's been distracting

                          Bat For Lashes           -           Siren Song
                                                              Are you my family? Can I stay with you a while?
                                                Can I stop off in your bed tonight? I could make you smile.

In the morning I'll make you breakfast In the evening I'll warm the bed.
And I'll always be happy to kiss you Promise I'll never get sad.

Till the siren come calling, calling
It's driving me evil, evil.
I was a heartbreaker, I loved you
The same way I do.
But I've got so much wickedness and sin.

My name is Pearl And I'll love you the best way I know how
My blonde curls slice through your heart. And the siren come calling in the night, till the light.

Help you dress yourself up fancy Bathe you when you get sore
I'll be good, I think I could be All you would want and more and more.  Be proud when you dazzle the wondrous. Glitter your eyes for the town
Tell every last boy that you're my man. Try not to let you down.

Till the siren come calling, calling It's driving me evil, evil.
I was a heartbreaker, I loved you The same way I do I've got so much wickedness and sin.

My name is Pearl. And I'll love you the best way I know how
                             My blonde curls slice through your heart.
                                    And the stars are exploding the lights
                                       It won't be long until you'll be mine. It won't be long until you leave.

                                       It won't be long until I'll see your face. It won't be long to erase your pain.
                                      And my broken heart to belong to your body                                             

                                                                                            Cause I'm evil, evil...

                             Bat for Lashes - Pearl's Dream
There's a place I must go  There's a place I must go
It's not a place I have seen  But I’ll get there in a blue dream
Down an ocean road

Past a sign that says 'good love town'
Into a darkness where the stars do drown
Where the starry me needs to be free

And when the battle was done I was promised my sun

But with a thousand nights gone  To any kingdom I run
And when the battle was done  I was promised my sun  But with a thousand knights gone  To any kingdom I run

There's a place I must go  There's a place I must go

For my heart is a child
That stumbles lonely for the arms of the wild

Hear the desert sigh  Sing the city's lullaby  The giant iris of the wide blue sky  Showing me the way

And when the battle was done  I was promised my son  But with a thousand knights gone  To any kingdom I run

And when the battle was done  I was promised my son  But with a thousand knights gone

To any kingdom I run

You know that it's time to go up, up, up, up, up

Had a big machine riding your shoulders
You know that it's time to go up, up, up, up, up  Had a big machine riding your shoulders
You know that it's time to go up, up, up, up, up 

Had a big machine riding your shoulders


06 December 2010

reachingthru reachmethru

warm skin vibration
youth glare distortion
this city's full of wandering

it's all orange guitar here
sunset like a clementine
7 PM - absent moms eating pizza
a gospel on your t-shirt

Your breath tastes like hot salt air
- I could get lost here-
sand behind your right ear

riffs echo months ahead their
down blue block concrete tunnel
an entire day away from school

i've never been here with you but i'm not a fool to imagine

02 November 2010

jN's horror film playlist

now that the ghoulies + goblins for 2010 have officially passed, here's a list of terrifying, unique, and traumatic treats to last the whole year round - enjoy kiddies...



'HENRY: Portrait of a Serial Killer'








27 October 2010

'past, us'

i know a boy
who'd die in a shared moment
to watch it's perfection

perpetual sunset at noon

i knew a boy in a dream
who'd pray to never wake up
but when he did
he couldn't remember any new dreams

(no time for regret)

past, us
post, us
now is never new

the shape i'll build
-that space on the windowsill-
will have room for you /
i i'll be there
/will have room for you

25 October 2010


its here
its in the middle
between us

you're here
you're behind me
i'm warmer
i'm alive

i'm here
i'm breathing
i'm trying
still i try

all the world's the same
and the words change
we'll never change
and the words stay the same

full moon
change together
real dream
is forever

new moon
change together
real dream
is forever

20 October 2010


your smile
curling up in smoke
i return and prostrate thru
the temple of you

palms raised
incense of your breath
return innocence
the silence holds something more

she is lucky
she is blessed
she increases
still has less
this is tribute this is tribute
kadosh kadosh kadosh

arch my
back on the altar
you were hatched on
ceremonies somehow in my memories

this is ancient tribute
won for you
ease it thru
partition whispers
think renew
this is always how its done

she is lucky
she is blessed
she increases
still has less
this is tribute this is tribute
kadosh kadosh kadosh

16 October 2010

pulse is nothing

pulse is nothing
press is nothing
give me something

i think i'd try telepathy
when words seem sophistry
                    cuz u + me
                          our mouths tied
                           mean less to think + more to say
                           i pray in sleep to understand these things

12 October 2010

in heaven everything is fine;

you got your good thing and i got mine

04 October 2010

tonight, tonight

love is hid behind a black hole
    can't you see through me?
  I promise there's light behind
             it's bright i'm blind
             I'm dumb I'm sorry - i didn't lie-

made mistake I'm sorry

      Please don't darken your memory
                 or throw it away
                     float me away

           I'll do anything - I can! -
               to keep you warm


Time is never time at all

You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different tonight

Tonight, so bright

And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born

Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright

We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight

Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

30 September 2010

27 September 2010

if my words dont come together, listen...

in moments like these 
just the thought of your smile 
in reality is reality
us is everything
is my best decision

and i cant live with only memories
just the thought of your smile
brings me reality
i want to bring u more than me
only you and me
ill keep loving persistently
if you can be forgiving me
for tempting destiny
by beginning things

you'll always be with me - cuz u are love now
but tho we are our descision
id be happier with u

24 September 2010

i wrote some songs

+ song fragments. don't quite have the beats/tunes for them yet. i have some ideas about remixing/reappropriating some pre-existing melodies for them, but i would love for them to be totally original pieces. more than gaping open for suggestions.

' Soft power / throb in white
  Two Sisters/ out at night
  Aegis, New York, Hades/
 Struggle up from your knees

The space before the thrust, thrust/
Something more than us/
Once baptised/ now we rust, rust/
Heavens turning lust

 Bow your head down/
  put your head down/
  prostrate now /
  and put your head down/
  Concubine O Concubine/
  Little fuckin light of mine

 Rome is burning/ Your bones are burning

(spoken): transcend this stasis, make the moment last boy, everything is changing, you will never change.'

'tides of mood/
even only you/
why can't only you/
stay this way

this needs to end o god it's ending/
this needs to end o god it's ending/
this needs to end o god it's ending

remember that time/
i cried and i was laughing/
these new smiles feel like plastic/
remember that time

we are always going away/
we are always going away/
good boys sit + stay/

this needs to end o god it's ending/
this needs to end o god it's ending/
this needs to end o god it's ending'

'All wraps up' - (this is only the first couple verses of this song, i wrote it with the tune of the first verses of Siouxsie and the Banshees' 'Israel' in mind. which is in turn their rip off of other melodies they wrote. any other suggestions would be great, but i think it works rather well. Here's a link to the song:

'Your evening splashing on the floor/
  fill your cup but whine for more/
  it's in the asking/

  You dance with them/
  and show your wealth/
  still you're wishing them bad health/
  her laugh is rancid/
  kill it
  kill it kill it
  reveal before the crowd
  this wasn't supposed to happen tonight'

27 August 2010

kinda new fiction - 'introveritas'

Weird breezes and flannel on this slow grocery Friday. A sense of uncapturable and inevitable importance,

tempting but easy to ignore.

The subway is kind; all exhausted barely old men with earrings smiling at babies puffy in novemberwear.

These are the afternoons you try to remember.

Always damp, always gray, always around 4. Always begun on subway platforms, pockets bulging. Sitting with schoolbooks on the still-new roof, air electric with nothing, really.

These are the elastic hours, pains you feel you want but don’t really.

This is the price of young skin, the only ticket you’ll ever buy, but the one that matters most

These are the long whiles wasted in restaurant Junkland, divine ol’ kicks from a paper placemat. Always worth the thoughts, always just barely lost, always suckling on the dusty motel snapshot cock of what all this land should be, engorged, necessary.

What is everyone waiting for? What or who is it that we are expecting?

08 July 2010

cool movies we should watch together

'Commodities' - new fiction


                See we were cool, right?

                So we figured, if there were folks who’d pay to fuck us, there would be people who’d pay to hang out with us.

                Just chill.

                And we knew people wanted to fuck us. Our friends, theirs, even our teachers. They cooed at our excuses, got hard when we clapped them on the back. We were everything to them, and whenever we saw them, and said ‘hi’ at the mall, they’d shift their bags behind them and pretend they weren’t spending their weekends alone.

               So the same way we knew some stores in the mall paid attractive guys to hand around, we knew we’d get cash for our company.

Cool enough to chill with u$?
Group of high school juniors and seniors willing to shoot the shit, party, smoke or whatever at your house or space. Cash.

            Someone put the ad up, and we chilled with this sad skinny guy. He had a mustache and seemed to enjoy watching us watch ‘Jackass’ on a couch in his basement. When we offered him a bong hit, he shook his head and put his hands in his lap. We didn’t even laugh at his jokes- but that night we split 500 dollars between us.

Sometimes we’d get paid less, sometimes more. Sometimes the guy would expect something sexual, or open the door in an open bathrobe, or put on porn or something.

We had some people cry. Some said we looked like their son- or his friends. This one guy yelled at us. We hurried down his porch, him whining after us, ropes of snot and tears all down his cheeks.

Last week, Andy took a Greyhound bus upstate to spend the weekend with this guy at his cabin. None of us really wanted to travel out that far, but Andy needed the money and had been talking about taking a trip for a while. The guy’s cabin was in the Adirondacks, and he was supposed to be generous with the weed crop he grew- so that was enough for Andy.

After we didn’t hear from Andy for a couple days, we ditched school and drove upstate to where this dude’s cabin was supposed to be. We knew we had the address right, because the guy gave it to a couple of us as well. We drove past outlet malls, rest stops, townie ice-cream stores. Leaves were like rancid sunset, and they were starting to put up the haunted houses. We smoked a joint in a hutch on the side of the road, and it felt like October, so that was nice, but when we got to where the cabin was supposed to be, we only found the scrapings of a campsite. A clearing of soggy leaves, tent poles, Jolly Rancher wrappers scattered. There was melted red wax everywhere on the floor, and even when we searched the forest around it, it seemed like no one had been there for a very long time. On the way back, we saw they had set up Jack-O-Lanterns over some mailboxes. I didn’t feel well. It was quiet so I turned on the radio, and listened until we were back.

'Rapport' - new fiction

        The thing is, he says, is I’m kind of happy that I’ve finally done all this. He looks into his glass, the closet. I mean, I thought, if it becomes the biggest fight, at least it would be the last one. You know? He looks at her back. She’s wearing red lace- the same dress she put on that morning. He watched her put on that dress in the morning. Her, at a reception in that dress, him in spats. Well, not happy he says. The air outside shimmers. Central Park West. Air, cool and flat. She sits up from the sofa. Walks up past the closet, the nightstand. Into the bathroom. All right, I understand, you need some time alone. Bath or something. He says all this sitting on the bed. This could be so many places he thinks. She could be putting on perfume and pearls, this could be our honeymoon and I’m waiting on the bed for a fuck. She could be killing herself in there- that would be my fault. She’s probably crying.

        The door opens quicker than he expected. She’s pale, all closed up in fur. Stares at him from the oblong bathroom light. The opposite of come hither. So you’re leaving he says? I mean, if you need to, I mean, want to, I’d understand. To the front door. Is that all you’re bringing? She’s bringing nothing. Confused, he doesn’t need to keep all of her stuff. He won’t remind her of that now though. I mean, he payed for it.
She’s at the elevator now, in the hallway, her back to him. She could be watching the changing light, but she looks like she’s praying. When the doors open, she’s already gone. Stares into him as the doors close.

        From central park, an Atlantian scene.  Divorce! The building, pointed, golden, split down the middle with a glass shaft. She’s descending down the middle, a sinking witch sliding down a fish’s backbone. The elevator, red and scented, her fur, delicate on the smoky oak. He’s watching from the window, but he can’t see all this. He doesn’t see her ignore the doorman, but he sees her as the exits the building. She doesn’t hail a cab. She’s crossing the street, drifting he thinks, and her hair is mercury in the streetlight. City sounds like an ocean. 

        And she’s across the avenue, parkside, and now he can tell that she’s looking right at him. Over the doorman, the elevator, at him through his window. She’s staring and sees him looking, and as her fur puddles around her ankles, he can see she’s naked. Her skin creams like soap, and he can see orange light shine off her earrings. Eyes still on him she brings her hand down her body, pressing into her milk stomach, the matted hair in her crotch. She lets herself fall to the cobblestones, and there’s a bench behind her, and newspapers, a can. And now she’s bucking her hips as a taxi passes, and he watches from the windowsill, and he’s closer to her than he’s ever been. And she cums once, twice, pressing her face with the hand she was leaning on, and when it comes off he can see it’s dirty, her face is dirty, and she raises up, staring at him, the jungle behind her, and him above it all.

'the tree, descending' - collaboration with wolfe margolies (whose beats can be reached @ http://www.mediafire.com/?ftamyqzh4jmtncv#1

04 July 2010

this is the last time it'll be the last time- independence day, or 'plz find me'

the skys all red
your raptures in my head
its the end of the world and where are you

asphalt fume casts my wandering
and suddenly there's sirens in the street
and suddenly heat cheering sonic boom

baseball mitt picnicbreath phantoms
hand in hand down the avenue - the misers of love
people seem richer when you can't find your own

rosebloom over hudson
first belch of blood over this city
july's the month for zombies, runaways, polishing love
we could still escape, hey,
i dreamed so much for us- todays not
when it stops

this heart waits forever

22 March 2010

we both mean it, still hard to smile - -

thanks to leon russell + karen carpenter for giving voice to voiceless + beauty in wandering nite-

its in the note, all this + everything

-----------------end now right now i could-----------------------
-----------------end it has ended now end-----------------------
-----------------has it now end did it end i-----------------------
                              can't really tell

love protect me-----------------------------------love shield me from how i see
you-----------------------------------------------this inside is stayin bright
this outside hurts o hurts o fucking hurts-----------us typical
tripping wavelengths------------------------------different pages
no blame or shame------------------------------- just different stages

                      tonight i considered running away + running into
                                     ending myself or leaving you    --- wait, wait
                  can i wait i can wait .
even without waiting rushing hoping holding hurting hunting holding back
                         so something so worth to lookat
                         the tumolt of you the tenacity of me
                         the tumolt of me the tenacity of you  
                                      - we meant these things. i know we do.

the ghosts of us kids - (the opposite of fleeing)

       the ghosts of us
       all up my block
          gesturing wisps of our teary evenings
heres where we left crying
heres where we made discord work
heres where i threw u comic books from my windo - o come 
on, we both know something in the sky was 
watching us
          and we know it wasn't really gust rain snow sun
               so if we agree, let's get our hands off the gun - o -
                                                                                      im scared

16 March 2010

: to someone i don't know - -


\/ >>> Really the issue becomes your attraction to those whose natural condition is to repel. > 
    You find yourself reflected billions of times over in hallways > atriums of crystal and leather > 
      > but you stumble and land in the broken glass on your way out of the bedroom. > 
             < He’s wept, you know, for you < I hope you know that > 
It’s all very expected though, the unlocked room, carpeted,
                                                      reeking of  sweat   rank  chlorine  cologne >>> you being tossed liltingly, landing in the corner                                                   >>the heap of you <<                                                                                  and even after being treated like a futon you can be panting, redly,    >>>>         and it’s all very worrying.\/

14 March 2010

won't let you down..

born to reasons i
+ showed my caul -
- hesitant film of petulant worries and mucus
my mistake my silence

i can hatch too, i can build cornerstone - i won't take too long
this mouth's for talking
these ears for listening
these arms for holding - so be held be heard be hearing
o god breath with me

we are our decision